One person

I've only ever had one person notice my anxiety and depression. I'm a very stable person when it comes to who my friends are. I've had the same best friends since elementary school. Nobody in my family every left. My life I extremely stable. But I am not stable inside.
My brother was the one to notice. We were watching a paranormal activity and I kept jumping whenever something would happen. My brother is eight years older than me to he remembers the majority of my childhood. He laughed at my jumpiness but he looked at me and ask "Since when have you been this jumpy?"
I honestly don't remember. I don't know what caused me to be the jumpy, sad, depressed girl I am today. Maybe it was when I developed my shake. The shaking of my hands, arms, and legs. Maybe it was when I had my first heartbreak. Maybe it was when I got cheated on by a guy I wasn't really in love with.
I just remember the ups and downs of it. I don't remember what it felt like before this and if I ever get rid of it I have a feeling I won't remember what this feels like either. But I will sure as hell be terrified of it. This darkness.
I don't think it will ever go away.. I can hope though.

Loneliness

It's only the beginning of March and I'm ready for it to be summer or at least give me a break. I feel like I'm going to snap in half under all the pressure of school and family. I just want to relax. Be happy. I feel lonely. The excuse I tend to use is hormones but I'm honestly lonely. I want somebody to hold me and love me.. I just know that it's to good to be true if I were to find a guy that would give me the time of day. There is nothing special about me. I'm not pretty, not skinny, I have acne, and I just am not the sort of person that a guy would even talk to.
Usually my friends make me feel better but they don't understand the loneliness I'm going through at the moment. The complete an utterly horrible stomach pain of being lone.
The only escape I have are books. I'm feeling the need for a trip to the library. Maybe that would help a little.
I wish I hadn't wrote the but It's how I'm feeling and It's honest. I wish I could appear stable and happy but I'm not.
And I need that out there even if nobody reads this.

Care.

I always tell myself high school isn't the time to get in relationships. They'll stop you from achieving your dreams. Even though I tell myself this all the time I care too much.
And better yet it's a guy that I don't know how to make happy. I had my time of "Woe is me. I want to die. Why can't it all stop now?" But I got myself out of that rut with help from my friends. I wasn't the friend and I didn't realize how much shit they went through to help me. Now as I try and guide my friends away from suicide I realize just how difficult that job is.
Appreciate the people who stay up late just to talk somebody out of suicide. The people who are always there no matter what they have going on in their lives. Those are true friends.
And they care. They care so much. Every single person has someone that cares about them. Even if the only person who cares is God. He cares.
But you're never alone. Never.
It may seem as you are alone, even if the room is full of people.. but you aren't. Maybe there is a person on the other side of the room that's watching from afar. (Not creepily.) Maybe your old friend who you haven't talked to in a while is thinking about how they miss you. Maybe there is a guy/girl that sits there wanting to walk up and talk to you but doesn't have the guts.
You're never alone. Trust me.