Whoa time flies

It's been a while since I've blogged anything. Must have got caught up in life I guess. I now live in two places splitting my time at them. I honestly hate it so much because I spend more time away from home than I actually spend with people I care about. But it's the life of a minor. I am forced to go with my parents where ever they decide to go. 

Totally starting to feel a teenage rebellion coming on. In my opinion and in what people have said to my face I've been a pretty good kid my whole life. Heads up, that is about to change. I don't want to be separated from the people I care about anymore. I don't want to be in charge of my learning. I want to go to public school with my friends and for school to be over at 2:20. Currently I am in school from 8 to 8 trying to finish assignments before finals in a week. It's a lot of pressure and almost more stress than public school. Just kidding, public school is super stressful but just offers more support and help. 

But the big thing is, everybody I love and care about is here. My family that has never abandoned me. My friends and boyfriend who are my support system. And I'm being forced to more 2,000 miles away because my mom abandons me for her job and my dad chases her. (newsflash she doesn't have a caring bone in her body.) My dad is forcing me to go because he has cancer. Here's the thing, what happens if it comes back? Who is going to support me through it? What would happen if the worst thing possible were to occur and he passed away? 

I would have no one. 

My dad is the only person I really care about. But I don't want to sacrifice myself for him. I'd fall apart out there without him. I'm not asking him to give up my mom, I'm asking him to let me be happy. I want to be at home even if I have to live with relatives I'm not exactly fond of. Maybe I'll be stuck here forever because of my love for my hometown. I don't think I will be though. Once college comes I leave and after that I'll find a place to settle down with the man I love. I'll have him and honestly with how much he means to me I don't think I'll need anything else.    

One person

I've only ever had one person notice my anxiety and depression. I'm a very stable person when it comes to who my friends are. I've had the same best friends since elementary school. Nobody in my family every left. My life I extremely stable. But I am not stable inside.
My brother was the one to notice. We were watching a paranormal activity and I kept jumping whenever something would happen. My brother is eight years older than me to he remembers the majority of my childhood. He laughed at my jumpiness but he looked at me and ask "Since when have you been this jumpy?"
I honestly don't remember. I don't know what caused me to be the jumpy, sad, depressed girl I am today. Maybe it was when I developed my shake. The shaking of my hands, arms, and legs. Maybe it was when I had my first heartbreak. Maybe it was when I got cheated on by a guy I wasn't really in love with.
I just remember the ups and downs of it. I don't remember what it felt like before this and if I ever get rid of it I have a feeling I won't remember what this feels like either. But I will sure as hell be terrified of it. This darkness.
I don't think it will ever go away.. I can hope though.

Loneliness

It's only the beginning of March and I'm ready for it to be summer or at least give me a break. I feel like I'm going to snap in half under all the pressure of school and family. I just want to relax. Be happy. I feel lonely. The excuse I tend to use is hormones but I'm honestly lonely. I want somebody to hold me and love me.. I just know that it's to good to be true if I were to find a guy that would give me the time of day. There is nothing special about me. I'm not pretty, not skinny, I have acne, and I just am not the sort of person that a guy would even talk to.
Usually my friends make me feel better but they don't understand the loneliness I'm going through at the moment. The complete an utterly horrible stomach pain of being lone.
The only escape I have are books. I'm feeling the need for a trip to the library. Maybe that would help a little.
I wish I hadn't wrote the but It's how I'm feeling and It's honest. I wish I could appear stable and happy but I'm not.
And I need that out there even if nobody reads this.

Care.

I always tell myself high school isn't the time to get in relationships. They'll stop you from achieving your dreams. Even though I tell myself this all the time I care too much.
And better yet it's a guy that I don't know how to make happy. I had my time of "Woe is me. I want to die. Why can't it all stop now?" But I got myself out of that rut with help from my friends. I wasn't the friend and I didn't realize how much shit they went through to help me. Now as I try and guide my friends away from suicide I realize just how difficult that job is.
Appreciate the people who stay up late just to talk somebody out of suicide. The people who are always there no matter what they have going on in their lives. Those are true friends.
And they care. They care so much. Every single person has someone that cares about them. Even if the only person who cares is God. He cares.
But you're never alone. Never.
It may seem as you are alone, even if the room is full of people.. but you aren't. Maybe there is a person on the other side of the room that's watching from afar. (Not creepily.) Maybe your old friend who you haven't talked to in a while is thinking about how they miss you. Maybe there is a guy/girl that sits there wanting to walk up and talk to you but doesn't have the guts.
You're never alone. Trust me.

New years.

Tomorrow it will be a new year. A new beginning as some may look at it. Some people are already in 2014. But being in the time zone I am in.. I have a couple more hours till then.
Everybody says that with the new year they'll be different. Very few people actually are different after the new years. Who they are isn't going to change in an instant.
I don't feel the magic of the new year. I always just look at today as my dad's birthday. I'm not one of those girls who goes out and parties. Why? It's just another day. Every day can be a celebration, we just have to find a reason to. I don't find a reason to go out and celebrate the new year. Sure, I might say different if I were in a relationship and had somebody to spend it with but even then I wouldn't want to go out and party. Just a night in.
But even though that's how I feel I hope everybody is safe tonight and has a good time. If partying is your thing then let tonight be your night. Enjoy it.

Dating. It's slightly ridiculous. We're in high school you have so many options and getting attached to a guy or girl just clouds your judgment. If your 'in love' with this person you don't want to leave them so you try and go to the same college or they follow you and in most cases it just won't work out. I seem heartless but I have goals. That's probably why I can't (well won't) date a guy who doesn't care about his grades is that it's going to take him some time to get serious about life. And when their serious they realize things probably won't last forever. Because they're serious about their life. If I'm to date somebody I want to just lay on the couch and watch movies and be weird and lazy. I don't want to go out because the world scares me. Just kidding. Mainly. But I don't like going out I'd much rather stay in and I have yet to find a guy who will lay around and watch Doctor Who, Supernatural, or a superhero movie. (I've got a thing for Captain America.) Or even play videogames! I love video games!
I actually had this one guy who was talking to me that was like "Well you'll come over and we can play Skyrim..." and stuff like that. But.. uh.. he keeps like a C/D average and he's two grades ahead of me struggling through math that I can do already. Therefor I didn't feel compatible with him so here I am again, alone. I'm normally not all "Being alone sucks," or "Forever alone :(" Well maybe the last one but I'm mainly joking when I say it.  But being alone can suck. I prefer it though over this heart breaking stuff I go through otherwise.
Well this post sucks. I apologize. I'll make the next one better. Later~

Hello people reading this. There's really no point behind this blog other than my rants and opinions. I'll probably complain a lot and you'll probably get bored and unfollow my blog if you even take the time out of your day to follow it in the first place.
My names Racheal. I'm a teenager and I like to state my opinions, watch movies, eat pretzels (I'm slightly addicted to pretzels.), read, and music. What do I mean by music? I listen to it mainly but I also play some. I'm a horrible beginner at the piano, and I'm.. decent at the clarinet. I'm probably better than decent but I'm not honestly quite sure how good I am. I've only played for 2 years now.. Piano I've played even longer but not as often. I only play around the holidays. Like the time of year we're in right now.
Enough about that. I'd give you the stereotype I fit into but I honestly can't put myself in a stereotype other than human. I hate stereotypes, we categorize ourselves apart from people who are the same as us. Maybe they don't have the same opinions. They like country music, you like rap. Or they like dying their hair and your against that. But everybody is still human and you can't take yourself out of that category so what's the point? I might delve into that more in a different post but we'll leave it at that for now.
High school. Honestly, I hate it. I hate the waking up early, the loud annoying older kids in my lunch period, the choir I take for the credit even though I absolutely hate the class and I'm dropping it next year, the stupid head football coach who doesn't even come to class half the time, and the people. I myself don't really have a problem with the people. I get along with most people unless I don't like them and if I don't like them, I don't spend time around them. But my close friends have problems with them and that upsets me. I sometimes think, why do you let it bother you so much? Then I'll think about it, and if somebody called me fat or any other insult it would bother me too. Well that's all I'm going to write for now. Later~